I haven’t felt like writing about beauty much lately.
I haven’t felt like wearing much makeup, if any.
I haven’t felt like painting my nails.
Pajamas, notebooks, my thoughts and a sprinkle of Netflix… all I’ve had to give.
Even before the murders of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile, things were feeling a bit heavy for me. I started to feel like maybe I was giving too much away to people who didn’t really appreciate it. Appreciation matters, especially when it comes to people you call your friends. Sometimes, it’s easy to brush things off because maybe people don’t know how to show their appreciation, but to keep doing and giving and loving and caring and checking in and not. getting. ENOUGH. back. Felt like I was drowning.
I lost myself a little bit. I had given so much that I forgot to leave enough for myself. I know, that’s one of the things empaths have an issue with, so I thought about it and made some decisions for myself. Worrying about people who had proved, on more than one occasion, that they are no longer essential to my life was no longer an option. So, what did I do? I made some cuts. Energy is everything and my feelings are almost never, ever wrong. Ask anyone close to me. It’s weird. Anyway, whatever these feelings are about the new non-essentials (let’s call them that), I trust them and believe that those people have served their purpose(s) in my life. I also trust that God will send more beautiful, caring, thoughtful, considerate people to fill the spots the others once held in my life. Knowing who I am, how I love and what I need are all things that are helping me cope with the changes…
the losses (nope). I must say, I’m feeling pretty good about it. There are moments when I feel lonely, but then I remember what I said just a bit ago. He’s making room for new essentials and I’m always here for that.
In a world where, at any moment, for ANY reason (you know… like being black), one of us could suddenly be murdered, it is important that I show love the very best way I know how, EVERY SINGLE DAY, to those who are willing to receive it. It is equally important that I receive that love back in a way that I can feel it. That’s fair, right? With time, I’ve learned that I can’t expect anyone to love the way I do, but I still need to feel it. In relationships, friendships included, we must learn how others best receive love and adjust if we expect them to stick around. So, I’m putting my foot down and demanding that those who want to be here learn how to care for me. I’m no longer allowing people to be here only when it’s convenient for them (you know the ones), because that’s not how I want to be cared for.
I didn’t believe in self-care, or maybe I just didn’t realize how important it is, until last year. I started to take time for myself. I started journaling more. I learned to be still. I’m enjoying it so much that I’m a year in and still not ready to get back to being busy all the time. I’m not sure I’ll ever want to work myself like that again. It didn’t leave enough time or energy for living or loving enough. I hadn’t realized that being intentional about my relationships with others is also a part of self-care. Lesson learned.
Everyone does not deserve to be in your world.
Like I always say, one of the most beautiful things about life is that you get to choose whatever you want. Don’t like your job? Find a new one. Don’t want to do something? Don’t. Don’t like how someone is treating you? Tell them and stop settling for it if there is no attempt to adjust. So, what am I choosing? I am choosing to love some people from a distance. I am choosing to give more energy to those who fill my cup consistently. I am choosing to focus on those who are happy to learn how to care for me. I am choosing my feelings over others’… and that might just be one of the hardest things I’ve ever decided to do.
I’m not perfect. I’m still figuring it all out and I don’t always get it right, but if I want something badly enough, I will do my best to adjust. Tell your people how you want/need to be cared for. If they’re not willing to make some adjustments to keep you happy and feeling loved, maybe you need some new people.
I feel like I just rambled. Hope you get it.
Promise to get back to beauty as soon as I feel it.